A glimpse into personal mythology work

here's one of my mythologies.
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It's kind of hard to articulate: I think I'm wrong even if - actually, especially if - someone else has actually wronged me. (I default to self-blame, even if it’s wildly incongruent with reality.)
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Like, when I assert myself around, let's say, claiming insurance, or holding a service provider accountable, I fully expect pushback from them, verging on gaslighting me into thinking that something I did was the problem.
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I'm not quite at the place where I can see this pattern personally, but I can see hints of it, because I grew up around people who found it very hard to apologize. I dated people who were eager to diagnose me with my gender, aka, the modern versions of hysteria: crazy, high maintenance, irrational, anxious, emotional, etc.
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I think as a younger person, I was often "scapegoated" - aka, made to be wrong/bad so someone else could remain comfortable, absolved, guilt-free. But there were also times where I *did* do stuff I knew was wrong or sneaky, and so that helped strengthen this narrative of always being in the wrong, always being the one who was bad, because the brain loves to:
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a) generalize/reductify (reductionalize?)
b) blame itself as a way of retaining a (false) sense of control
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I can think of a lot of situations where it felt very scary to assert myself, because I was so scared the whole situation would turn on me. A lot of times I didn't speak up, or pursue a problematic issue because of the risk of exposing myself to being called wrong or bad or crazy.
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To be fair, a lot of times, this is what the systems do, to avoid having to payout, to avoid legal action, etc. They just deny/minimize/make you question yourself over and over and over. And to be fair, I've had partners that definitely, hindsight being 20/20 and everything, gaslighted me extensively.
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This happened EVERY time with mold - three times now, three different homes.
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I noticed this pattern in myself when I was hesitant to speak up about something going on with my kid at school. I'd internalized this gaslight-y/self-denying voice: are you sure you're not over-reacting?
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I noticed this pattern when calling the moving company to tell them they broke a bunch of my stuff - gearing myself up to hear, there's nothing we can do to help you, it's not our fault. Are you sure you didn't break the stuff yourself? I almost didn't call them.
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I remember the first time this pattern was made conscious for me - my amazing coach gently said something to the effect of, why are you so sure no one's going to be on your side/help you/fight for you? Why are you so sure it's going to go wrong?
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I was telling her that I was terrified to reach out to a mold expert and ask them to write a letter to my landlords on my behalf. I was so sure they would blame me, or refuse to do it. (They happily did it - and I remember being relieved but also flabbergasted.)
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I'm just so ready to be blamed.
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This was subconscious for so long. And it massively contributed to a pattern of avoidance. Where - through the avoiding, things WOULD eventually become my fault, and then, this whole pattern would be justified/proven for my system.
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I'm learning to engage differently with crisis.
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It's hard as fuck. And it's also empowering, magical, and exciting.
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It means leaning into the crisis vs. avoiding it. It means loving the crisis, tending to it, letting the crisis fuel me, letting the crisis transform me, anneal me, even turn me on.
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Recently, I got a massive healthcare bill. I was sure it was a mistake, but a complicated one. I almost went down my old glide path, throwing it away, hoping it would just go away. Fearing that if I tried to assert myself, these massive entities of health insurance and billing departments would turn on me.
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Instead, I made a bunch of phone calls and sent a bunch of emails. And follow-up phone calls and emails. I hit this hard, like a morning workout. I was aggressive about it - not like mean or anything, but like, even if the ball wasn't in my court, I acted like it was. It was resolved within a few days in my favor - omg. I experienced elation, but also this sense of utter disbelief. That was a magical feeling.
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With the movers just recently, I just stood in my truth and believed the best. I also had moments of doubt and fear and wanting to give up. But I refused to give up on myself. And the movers promised to compensate me, and they also offered free moving help for the future. They didn't have to. The contract had expired (they moved my stuff into storage and I'm just now getting in there, months later). But they believed me and wanted to be responsible for their part.
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All this to say:
We get a say in our mythologies. We get edit privileges.
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work with me if you want to edit your living mythology