How Whyte Fragility, Whyte Saviorism and Patriarchal Violence get perpetuated in schools
through reductive gender profiling and unskilled "conflict resolution"
I’m watching my kids get sucked into the whyte supremacy/toxic patriarchy trauma machine because they’re getting groomed (unwittingly) by their caregivers - any adult unaware of this dynamic is susceptible to perpetuating what I outline below.
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We need to talk about how the default adult response in any peer disagreement is to assign "victim" to one child (usually the female gendered one or smaller one) and "villain" to the other child (usually the male gendered or bigger one).
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We may do this subtly or unconsciously but we do it all the time.
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What this does is perpetuate the key cultural dynamic of whyte fragility, which therefore perpetuates the toxic culture of whyte supremacy.
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What this does is groom kids for the dysfunctional roles society wants them to play - eg, women stay small because they fear for their safety, and anyone with unruly energy begins to move inexorably towards the carceral pipeline.
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What this does is make women more likely to avoid any sort of emotional discomfort/responsibility and creates the default coping mechanism of "deputizing" someone "stronger" to "deal with" their discomfort - classic damsel and white knight.
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What this does is groom girls to get into relationships where they accept abuse and mistreatment because they've been taught that men are EITHER saviors OR villains - no nuance.
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What this does is give whyte men playing the role of "savior" a free pass for violence - because they were defending the weak.
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What this does is necessitate the existence of a villain because a savior can't be a savior if there's no bad guy.
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What this does is withhold critical self-advocacy and conflict resolution skills from girls, and they get socialized into dependence and fragility.
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What this does is turn little boys who are struggling into monsters and outcasts and necessitates that they "armor up" to protect themselves from the pain and despair of being unilaterally villified, shamed, blamed and always the one completely and solely "at fault."
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Yes, we make our boys mean and cruel when we defend our girls - don't you see? All of this is so dehumanizing - for both our boys and our girls.
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What this does is create a culture where kids are constantly "narcing" on each other and expecting adults to save them by doling out blame and punishment instead of learning how conflict themselves.
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This then creates a culture of extremely low accountability - where we'll call the police on our own kids because we've never learned how to de-escalate, move through conflict/dysregulation generatively and safely or learned how to tolerate emotional discomfort.
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I could go on but I'm watching this play out RIGHT NOW almost all schools - including the one my kids go to - with absolute horror.
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Like, yes, my kids learned to read and write, but my daughter also "learned" that girls are fragile and that collapse is an easy out of any situation that is uncomfortable. When she cries she gets her way, and all the complexity and co-participation in the conflict gets flattened and a boy gets shamed and punished.
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And I've seen my son get "meaner" because he HAS TO to protect himself from this onslaught of shame and bullying from adults who THINK they're just protecting the girl.
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This dynamic - let me be crystal clear - is equally harmful for both our boys and our girls. It needs to stop. It teaches girls to be helpless and accept abuse and it teaches boys that their ONLY way forward to toughen up and accept one of two mantles - villain or savior - both of which mutilate identity/behavior.
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This is a clear example of how whyteness hurts whyte people too - before there was whyte on black violence, there was whyte on whyte violence - this pattern is ancient - and wholly unproductive - it. needs. to. stop.
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It’s not just schools doing this. It’s also parents.
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There’s more to say and this will likely become a lecture or a training.
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“We do not write because we want to; we write because we have to.”
- W. Somerset Maugham
(eg, this is a post that was hard to write but was also bursting out of my throat - I’m a heretical truth teller.)
ABOUT CELESTYNA WILD:
I am a parenting/ relating/neurodivergence specialist and coach who continues to work towards greater decolonizing, indigenous and abolitionist wisdom and practices.
I weave neuro- and nervous system science with indigenous-informed mysticism and archetypal mythologies.
I teach my clients how to find bubbles of spaciousness and “third way” solutions - even sustainable thriving - in the interstices.
Together, we explore how to navigate - even make a home in - spaces that are void, liminal, gestational and/or underworld.
My work supports how to move confidently, generatively - even joyfully - through relational difference, triggers, conflict, destabilization and divergence.
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Ways to work with me/experience my medicine:
1:1 coaching - book a free consult call here.
Evergreen parenting, relating, and astrological courses - explore here.
Free + low-cost resources + mini-courses - explore here.
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