Why do some relationships feel really asymmetrical?

A composite chart case study

Relationships have an asymmetry that astrology can help us decode. 

Have you ever wondered about a relationship where one person feels like it's the most important, life-changing thing and the other person acts like they can take it or leave it and doesn't seem to be nearly as into it? 

Or where one person feels more uplifted and liberated while the other feels more shutdown and judged, or some other lopsided combo of perception and experience? 

I dated someone a while ago where this happened! I was so into them, while I could sense I was more of an ambiguous connection for them. 

For me, the relationship felt fated, intense, and it brought out a whole new side of me that was playful, funny, adventurous and fun - I loved feeling this way! (And it had been a long time since I had). 

But, I could tell, that for them the relationship felt a lot less sure.

I won’t get into all the interaspects of our combined charts here (although reviewing that helped me to see that there was a ton of mutual attraction and magnetism).

I want to talk about how our individual charts interacted with the composite chart, because that was where there was the most asymmetry.

The composite chart is constructed by taking the mid-points of all the planets, and it seems to describe a third, unconscious entity - the relationship itself. The thing that is created between us, because of us.

This idea that the relationship is an entity is not new, and in fact, Kierkegaard goes on about it at length in the Sickness Unto Death - he introduces the idea that even in an individual human being, what we are engaged in is relationship - the Self relating to the Self. (And not to get into the weeds about intrapersonal relating, but astrology can be viewed as a parts system, where the inner workings of the chart describe the various “parts” of the Self system.)

As a relationship endures, the composite accrues weight and calcifies with time. It might be overshadowed by synastry (interaspects between the individual’s natal charts) in the beginning, but over time, the individuals will entrain more intensely with the composite - one reason why the relationship can feel quite different once we are out of the honeymoon phase and many years into the marriage. And the existence of a composite sheds light on why all relationships need on-going, active work - to resist merely submitting to the composite energetics.

In our composite though, is where some real asymmetry fell out.

They had almost no relevant personal planet contacts with the composite chart (and the ones they did merely echoed their existing natal chart), while my Moon (arguably the most important planet when it comes to relationships) was having an intense orgy with 4 out of 5 personal planets and 8 out of 10 of the total planets.

Their most relevant affected planet was not the Moon - it was Pluto. Their Pluto was getting blasted almost as intensely as my Moon. (In synastry, their Pluto opposed my Moon, so with the composite, their Pluto was getting the reverse version of being contacted by the composite - if that makes sense.)

In the composite, Venus, Sun, and Mars are all exactly conjunct at 14.5 degrees Aries, and MY natal Moon is at 15 degrees Aries, so it is exactly conjunct this very yummy configuration. My Moon was getting infused with passion/drive/courage (Mars), vitality/identity/purpose (Sun) and attraction/pleasure/receptivity (Venus). My Moon felt so good just with that!

On top of that, the composite has Saturn conj. Jupiter in Libra and Mercury conj. Pluto in Libra, both opposing the composite Venus-Mars-Sun and my natal Moon - my Moon is getting so much juice from this composite it’s unreal!

And the juice is nourishing - Saturn-Jupiter is a complimentary pair that suggests that anything is possible and I have access to both the luck/opportunity and the strategy and inner resources to materially manifest it. Pluto-Mercury suggests truth-telling and conversation that feels deep and compelling - a personal love language. Lastly, composite Neptune was trining my Moon, and Neptune brings feelings of romance, idealization, goodwill, and can readily contribute to enmeshment and obsession.

The composite Moon is also in Aries, and while not close enough to conjunct my natal Moon, it feels very similar - it’s conjunct by sign.

So, this relationship feels way more home-y, cozy, familiar, and yummy to me than it does to the other person - because for them, it’s not the Moon that’s getting impacted, it’s Pluto - that’s our inner threat detection, survival mechanisms, and sense of how brutal life can be.

Some key Pluto themes are fear and survival. So while for me, the relationship felt cozy, yummy, and home-y, for them, the relationship (not me personally, but the relationship as an abstract entity) activated fear and a sense of threat and notions that were less about romance and more about survival.

As an example, Saturn-Jupiter has a very different flavor when talking to Moon than it does when talking to Pluto. For Moon, it feels optimistic and stabilizing. For Pluto, it feels like the Jupiter intensifies the Saturn, and then the super Saturn ends up just amplifying Pluto’s mistrust and misgivings.

For me, the relationship worshipped and nurtured my inner child and contributed to my sense of security and belonging, and for them, the relationship gave vibes of uneasiness, power struggles, potential crisis or destruction, and the suggestion that there would be an activation of taboos and truths.

Pluto being so activated by the composite might mean that in this relationship, this person would be constantly plagued by fear or a sense of power struggle. And if not that, then more vaguely - intensity. And intensity is well, intense.

And that’s exactly what ended up happening - while it was clear this person was attracted to me as an individual, they were not so attracted to the idea of our relationship - and rightly so, per what the composite reveals.

In retrospect, I think one of the reasons this relationship occurred was to wake up my Moon and bring it back to life. It is hard to carry an Aries Moon as someone with an assigned female gender. My Aries Moon had been very repressed and it was finally nourished and adored - even if by something insentient.

Does this person think of me? I doubt it. But I think of them on the regular - because they gave me a great gift - the composite might have awakened their inner Pluto, but for me, it brought so many of my inner children back to life.

This literally only touches on one tiny aspect of literally HUNDREDS between us, but I hope it gives you a taste of the complexity and usefulness of astrology!

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