Why we "argue for our limitations"

Some thoughts on why we can't move forward or "solve" our problems

Dec 01, 2024

"Argue for your limitations and they're yours." - Richard Bach

There’s a false binary around limitations in the coaching world and it’s high time someone talks about it. Basically, either you’re uncoachable and in victim mode OR you’re an unstoppable disciple of the Secret, manifesting millions in mere seconds.

In coaching (and in other success-driven circles as well), there’s often this aggressive view that we are wholly responsible for the entirety of our lives and if things are not as we wish them to be, that’s somehow our fault.

There’s a way in which coaches encourage their clients to manifest their dream lives, and if the clients can’t/won’t, then it becomes the fault of the client, for:

Not having elastic enough neuroplasticity
Not having enough self-trust or courage
Not having enough faith in “Source”
Stubbornly holding onto blocks or limiting beliefs
Not being willing to “reframe” their narrative in a more empowered way
Not being willing to be fully accountable for their “responses” to “circumstances”
Not being willing to take different actions or make changes to how they do things

This can cause a shame spiral for clients really easily! They feel “bad” or like something is wrong with them. They feel like they are failing. The coach might threaten to “fire” them as a client.

Usually, though, there is something going on with the unconscious mind and/or the nervous system and we can’t just willpower or think our way past it.

Here’s the most common reasons I see for someone experiencing defensiveness, disempowerment or resistance around when someone tries to “help” them with a limitation.

Why do we argue for our limitations?

They are unconsciously serving a need (usually a younger inner child part’s need). These can be needs for validation, support, safety or for our reality/perspective to be taken seriously.
They are connected to our identity and to lose/change identity is very hard, and feels like annihilation to the ego.
They are “proof” of a deep, unconscious belief we have about how the world works, and to challenge or prove that belief wrong would shatter our worldview and our entire sense of reality.
No one has ever fully and compassionately witnessed our struggle with our limitations (and sometimes this can be a particular person that we need to “see” us and our limitations, usually a parent or a partner), so we keep enacting them out of a warped (and likely unconscious) need for justice, vindication, validation, witnessing, etc. Eg, we’ll hold onto our limitations until someone finally says, look at this horrible limitation you’ve been struggling with for so long! It’s my fault! Let me fix it! OR: You clearly need support, let me help you!
Our understanding of them, and our interactions with them have become habituated and automatic, and now it’s going to take energy, consciousness, and effort to create a new way of thinking and being.
They feel familiar (and therefore “safe”) to the nervous system - even if at some level, we can understand that they’re harming us.
Somewhat similar to the above - they are connected to our survival and coping mechanisms, and the nervous system really does not want to let go of any feeling, behavior or belief that it feels is protective or critical for our safety.
The “reality” of the “limitation” feels so true that it feels useless to try to look for workarounds, solutions, or expanded possibilities. Said another way, we’re risk-averse and conservative around change, and we have no evidence that the limitations are surmountable. Pushing against the limit feels like a guaranteed “fail.”
There’s something even more painful we’d have to face if the limitation was removed. While the limitation is uncomfortable, unconsciously, we keep it in place, because its removal would bring something even more uncomfortable about. It’s a nice distraction or wall that keeps us from having to access what’s behind it, even though consciously, we’d never code it like that.
The limitation is actually somehow feeding a part of us that is exiled, repressed, or “bad/wrong.” Until we integrate this part and voluntarily feed it, it will keep the limitation in place as a source of nourishment!
A part of us feels that it does not have the resources, self-trust, stamina, etc. to put into overcoming the limitation. We’re not thrilled about the limitation and our submission to it, but we are also in survival mode with a bunch of stuff and we’re waiting for…something. More time, more energy, more resources, more clarity?
It’s a valid limitation and we need accommodations, support, help and understanding, instead of being gaslit into the idea that the limitation is our fault and/or if we tried “harder/different” we could make it go away. (Hey, moms! Hey, disabled folks! Hey, neurodivergent peeps!)

I’m not saying we should just give up and give in to our limitations, but there’s nuance, there’s titration, there’s non-linear progress, there’s side quests around trauma healing, increasing resourcing, improving self-esteem, all the things!

Basically, A LOT of inner work, radical honesty, ego humility and deconditioning has to accompany working through/working with our limitations. I am NOT of the belief that we just need to decide or reframe and gallop blithely into the sunset, totally liberated from our blocks.

When we notice ourselves or someone else “arguing for a limitation” (same goes for addiction or unhealthy coping mechanism) instead of shaming them, we need to meet them where they’re at, and get curious about what that limitation is doing FOR them.

Because unless we can somehow fulfill that function OR convince the system it doesn’t need that thing, then the “self-sabotage” and “learned helplessness” and “not coachable” will continue. As it should, as it makes sense for that system!

I LOVE doing limitation work with my clients and it comes up a lot - especially in relationships! If you’re curious about how I can help you (possibly, dare I say, revolutionize your world) with parenting, relating, or neurodivergence challenges, book a free, no-pressure consult!

And - free gift - if any resistance or skepticism comes up upon being invited into a consult call (when you damn well know you’re struggling), then this might be a golden opportunity to become aware of a limitation you may have, and examine it. I’m not saying it’s not real, I’m just saying, let’s plop it on the workbench and give it a poke.

PS This is not a post about what limitations are “real” and which are not!

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Why we "argue for our limitations"

Some thoughts on why we can't move forward or "solve" our problems

"Argue for your limitations and they're yours." - Richard Bach

Why do we argue for our limitations?

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